Welcome! We don’t have meetings at the church, because we don’t really like each other much.

I sent this quote to my youngest brother, who turned 30 yesterday:

And one day, like me, assuming you survive, you will say to people in their 20s: You know what’s really terrifying — more terrifying than the deadening effect of society? It’s that, bit by bit, completely of your own accord, you eventually become so boring that you want to stomp yourself in the face with a boot.

Which you cannot do because your knees are too stiff. - Cary Tennis

As much as I hate to admit it, the quote resonates with me. Friends whom I have known for years and years cannot fathom that I, the one-and-only Diva, have settled into a semi-domesticated life here in Denver.

It’s not by choice. Rather, I’ve grown tired of being around other people. This applies to the mundane and alternative alike. The old joke, “I’m not prejudiced, I hate everybody equally” is no longer really a joke for me.

Behold, the age of the misanthrope.

I used to want to save people, from themselves, from addiction, from behaviors which precluded their success. A few years ago I went on a long road trip (Albuquerque to Seattle to L.A. to Albuquerque) and here is something I wrote in my travel journal at the time:

Some people can’t be saved.
Some people don’t want to be saved.
Some people aren’t worth saving.

Would that I had listened to myself, but I spent more time dealing with humanity from a savior point of view. What did I learn? That people suck and it’s not just limited to mean people. We are all selfish, needy, ungracious, disloyal, arrogant, back-stabbing, suspicious, self-righteous, impolite, greedy, agenda-wielding, weak creatures. (I suppose some people are above these traits, but if you can name one person in your life who is, count yourself very, very lucky.)

The most interesting part of this attitude is this: I’m still not jaded. I’m not angry or pessimistic. I remain socially active and leave the house occasionally to mingle. I continue to meet new people and stay in touch with some old friends.

The difference is that now I’m wary about letting anyone into my life too quickly, of allowing anyone closer than arm’s length. I no longer make the first move to call when an acquaintance and I trade numbers. I don’t listen to my brain chemistry when I find myself hugely attracted to someone in a bar. And gone are the days when I would meet a fascinating person and invite them to live with me after one weekend of knowing them. (Remember, kids: What goes on in Vegas, stays in Vegas!).

So I guess I’m not a true misanthrope. If that were so, I’d say “Fuck you all!” and go live in a cave. But my aloof demeanor makes people think I am (or that I’m just a total bitch), which has turned into a weird blessing: It provides a filter to keep idiots at bay.

I suppose this is just what happens as we get older. Our circle closes around those we know, love, and trust, and everyone else is not worth time and trouble.

Or maybe I’ve just become a pretentious Goth.

You’re still coming to my birthday next year, right?

This entry was posted on Monday, August 8th, 2005 at 10:54 am and is filed under SoForth. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.