This was my favorite skit from SNL last season.

Yes, even more than when Jake Gyllenhaal did that song from Dreamgirls in full drag.

Though it was disturbingly hot.

Be on the lookout for symptoms of inner peace. The hearts of a great many have already been exposed to inner peace and it is possible that people everywhere could come down with it in epidemic proportions. This could pose a serious threat to what has, up to now, been a fairly stable condition of conflict in the world.

WARNING: If you have some or all of the above symptoms, please be advised that your condition of inner peace may be so far advanced as to not be curable. If you are exposed to anyone exhibiting any of these symptoms, remain exposed only at your own risk.

That is by Saskia Davis. I found it all over the ‘Net with her name as credit, so re-posting it here seemed like an okay thing to do. I mean I don’t think sufferers of inner peace sue anybody over such things.

And I can’t wait to use this line: “I’m not a bitch. I suffer from inner peace.”

So that’s why I don’t care.

BIRD WATCHERS ARE VOYEURS!

The flyer screamed this very headline. “Oh, this I have got to see,” I said as I removed one from the Westword bin in front of the entrance to our gym.

According to the U.S. Fish and Wildlife service, 48 million people watch birds. A private research group, the Good Conduct Society, has discovered Bird Watchers are more sexually active than others.

Goooo oooooon …

The elderly find that Bird Watching is not strenous. And this erotic experience can be enjoyed privately through binoculars.

Do tell!

“Most disturbing,” said the Society’s director, Anaida Krok, “Are groups of Bird Watchers seeking vicarious sexual gratification in the woods. Shamelessly, they blatantly observe God’s defenseless creatures mating.”

Oh yeah, baby, yeah! Just look at those feathers, that beak … Polly wants this cracker, doesn’t she? Spread that plumage, spread it … I mean … uuhh …

Nothin’.

The website dedicated to stopping bird porn is located right here.

Good to know someone at the DNC has a sense of humor.

I’ve had celebrity crushes on both Keith Olbermann and Jon Stewart for years.

This is not a surprise to those who know me. I’ve always had a geek fetish. Olbermann and Stewart are not only good-looking men - despite their humble pleas to the contrary when that particular fact is mentioned - but they’re intelligent.

Smarts are sexy. Good looks and smarts in one person are my personal kryptonite.

I bring all this up now because not one, but BOTH of my newsman crushes are in Denver at this very moment, covering the Democratic National Convention.

However, I am immersed in prep, packing, and leaving town for Dragon*Con. I don’t have the time to stalk either one of them, even if they are just up the road from where I sit.

Right now.

At this moment.

Perhaps wandering the Denver streets I know so well, because I have a scooter with which to peruse each nook and alley.

DAMMIT.

There had better be hot celeb moments in Atlanta.

Sometimes foresight doesn’t require glasses to make it as clear as hindsight.

They’ll be at Dragon*Con, too.

2008 program available here.

Attending the Democratic National Convention in Denver? Here’s a primer on our humble cowtown, brought to you by our favorite local comedians.

‘Cept that line about Boulder isn’t exactly a joke.

We fell in love with this song from a play by Centralia when it appeared on Showtime promos last year. (Keep listening past the holiday crap. It’s worth it.)

Now they are running a promo for Dexter - one of the best shows on TV, in my opinion - with this song by The Pierces.

Let me just say here for the record: Showtime is the new HBO.

Two can keep a secret if one of them is dead.

I keep harping about how I’m a true moderate. The test below said I’m 55% left- and 45% right-brained.

Your result for The Right Brain vs Left Brain Test…

Left Brained!

Take The Right Brain vs Left Brain Test at HelloQuizzy

Right, left, it’s all just grey area.

Where is the person you gave your heart to for the first time?
Don’t rightly know. I don’t think he’s happy, though.

Are you waiting for something?
Yes, word on the loan for the new house. It’s excruciating.

Did you have a dream last night?
Yes, about a hotel. That’s all I can recall, though.

How many piercings do you have?
Two in each ear + one on the side of my nose = 5.

If you could have something right now, what would it be?
An ice cream sandwich.

Have you ever had a panic attack?
If I didn’t work out, watch what I eat, and take my supplements, they’d be a daily occurrence.

What can’t you wait for?
Word on the home loan. I need to work a move ito the schedule if it’s going to happen.

Have your parents ever smoked pot?
Probably. That is I suspect so.

Want someone back in your life?
No. They’re gone for a reason.

Are you good at giving directions?
I just hook up the Garmin and let it do the talking.

Last time you cried really, really hard?
Can’t remember. It was probably when my love and I were adjusting to living together (read: arranging our respective relationship baggage to accommodate the other).

Ever licked someone’s cheek?
Absolutely. For a photo shoot, no less.

What is your favorite thing to eat with peanut butter?
Nothing. It’s perfect by itself.

Could you go out in public looking like you do now?
Yes and I’m sure the Frederick’s nightgown would turn more than a few heads.

If you could go any place in the world where would you go?
Amsterdam or somewhere in Germany.

Have you ever made someone so mad that they broke something?
No, but the day ain’t over yet.

What is your favorite color?
Royal blue (the nearly purple kind).

If you could go back in time, how far back would you go?
Memory is constructive, so viewpoints of the past tend to be a bit uchronian. While I appreciate the fashion of the Victorian era, I don’t think I could handle the intricacies of etiquette and morality, much less live without indoor plumbing. However, if I could go back to age 25 in my own body with my entire knowledge base and current level of experience, I might do that.

How do you feel when someone kisses you on the forehead?
Patronized. Even when I’m sick or being petulant.

Has anyone ever told you they want to spend the rest of their life with you?
Yes. They lied. Forever is a long, long time.

Jealous?
Of course! I get over it, though.

Will your next kiss be a mistake?
Maybe. I tend to be impetuous.

When was the last time you saw your grandpa?
Both of them died within months of each other when I was in high school, so 1982.

Do you know anyone with cancer?
My grandmother died with it. My mother died with it. Some friends have battled it and won, those with early onset AIDS lost the war. One didn’t even tell me she had it until I got her memorial notice in my e-mail.

Who was the last person you talked to in person?
My partner-in-crime.

Do you think your can last in a relationship for 3 months?
Ummmm … yeeeeaaaaah. Who wrote this, a teenager?

Have you lost friends in the past 3 years?
I lose friends every year and nearly the entire batch every five.

Have you ever talked to someone when they were high?
How can one not? I mean aren’t about 25% of us high at any given time? How do you know I’m not high right now?

Do you talk about your feelings or hide them?
You’re more likely to get what you want if you express yourself.

Are you happy?
No one is truly happy, but I am unfathomably content.

Where did you sleep last night?
In my infamous 13 foot bed.

Have you ever collapsed on the bathroom floor?
With food poisoning. It was a horrendous experience.

Tired?
Nope, just worked out, so I’m all pumped up.

Are you in a relationship?
Define “relationship.”

What are you doing today?
Dicking around online, obviously.

If you were one of the seven dwarfs, who would you be?
Either Doc or Grumpy, depending on the level of intelligence of those around me.

If you were one word, what word would you be?
DIVA.

Are you in love?
I am in a long-term lust situation with someone I admire and respect. My brain chemistry tricks me into thinking it’s love, though.

Beach or mountain?
I hate sun, sand, and surf, so mountain … but overall I prefer to remain indoors.

Left handed or right handed?
Writing: Right. Masturbating or Flogging: Ambidextrous.

What attracts you most?
Food. Wait, did you mean a personal trait in another human being?

Close your eyes for a moment, who pops into your head?
Me, the narcissist.

What is your favorite word?
Sesquipedalian.

Where do you see yourself in five years?
Who can plan that far ahead? I don’t even know what I want to be when I grow up.

What are you most proud of in your life?
Surviving and thriving. Living well is always the best revenge.

Who do you admire most?
Every man and woman is a star.

Do you have your eye on anyone special?
No. That would be gross and I wouldn’t have stereo vision anymore.

Most embarrassing moment?
Pick a decade and I’ll narrow it down some.

What was your last thought before starting this survey?
“I need a drink.”

If you could have one super human power what would you choose?
Invisibility. Voyeurism would be so much easier with it.

Flip flops or sandals?
Sandals.

How many cousins do you have?
Seven, though I haven’t spoken with three of them in years.

What are you listening to right now?
“Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me” (the weekly NPR news quiz).

What color is your house?
Light yellow, but hopefully it will be blond brick soon.

Are you currently employed?
Way too much and way too well.

Surveys are boring, especially other people’s.