Without showering for the day, I made my afternoon run to the gym. Why bathe when it’s Tuesday and I have to spend an hour doing weightlifting? I’m only going to have to shower again when I get home.

I rarely am seen out in public in gym clothes, let alone do I make a stop on the 16th Street Mall while I’m downtown. Today, however, there were a few things I needed at Rite Aid. These items included some rather … personal products.

So there I am, headed for the cash registers with these items on top of everything else in my hand-carried basket, in my sweats and tennis shoes, zero makeup, hair up in a slightly destroyed semi-ponytail, and just generally looking like I’d been dragged through grease and sweat, when I see a person approaching me down the aisle from the opposite direction …

It’s Eddie Izzard.

EDDIE. FUCKING. IZZARD.

Everyone’s favorite crossdresser - excuse me, executive transvestite - comedian is playing the Paramount Theatre tonight and tomorrow night, so it stands to reason he’d be poking around downtown this afternoon. We tried to get tickets when they went on sale, but they sold out really, really fast, which is strange for Denver. Gives you an idea just how popular the man is.

But why was it necessary for the universe to give me this fantastic opportunity to meet, in the flesh, one of my favorite celebrities in the world when I look like shit and I have a 36-pack of Trojans, a large bottle of Astroglide, and a box of Monistat prominently on display?

I simply told him I was a huge fan as I subtly moved the basket to the other side of my body. I didn’t say another word, I just kept walking, which really bugs me now. I’m usually a LOT more outgoing during fan girl encounters. *sigh*

By the way, he’s only about 3 inches taller than I am. And he looks fantastic even without makeup on.

Unfortunately, I do not.

I’m a city girl and have been all my life. Camping, to me, is staying in a 2-star hotel.

I drive a large German car that takes premium gasoline. I live in a warehouse with 16 foot ceilings which takes a lot of energy to heat and cool. I don’t recycle anything, not cans, bottles, or newspaper.

I don’t have any indoor plants or an outdoor garden; the greenest item I can see at the moment is the can of bug spray I used on the ants in the garage earlier. I use the “wrong” lightbulbs and I never ride mass transit.

Right now, I count 9 computers in the building, nearly all up and running; the only reason it’s not 11 is the remaining two are out with contractors. I am the only one at the office/home today and the TV is on as I write this, though I’m not paying much attention to it. The sound from the TV is fed through am amplifier and speakers, so add that to the power drain.

In a moment I’ll take my Chinese POS scooter to the gym and use their resources to improve myself, rather than working out at home with the equipment that is actually here. I have a plan to take a massive road trip next week, from Denver to Ohio and south, but I’m not rethinking it because of the gas, I’m rethinking it because of business concerns if I spend too much time away.

What I’m saying is that I’ve never been an environmentalist and I don’t plan to start being one. I am fully aware of what I’m doing to the planet, but it’s not the planet that will suffer; it’s humanity.

So, for the people who have taken it upon themselves to remind me of my “mistakes” and the little changes I can make to help the environment:

Quit denying that overpopulation is the single largest environmental problem in the world. More people use up more resources, so what happens when those resources become scarce, especially food? Famine, war, and genocide. So stop saving the children in third world countries. It only makes their situation worse.

I don’t care if humans survive. Worse, you can’t make me care with diatribes about mother Earth, since I know that the real problem is the number of people on her. I never had a kid and, with my hysterectomy earlier this year, it’s now impossible for me to produce a parasitic resource depleter of my own. How many kids do you have? Aah. I see.

Nuclear energy is cleaner, safer, and better than it ever has been in our history. Using it would help our energy issues immensely. Stop protesting it.

Drilling for offshore oil isn’t necessarily a bad idea. I don’t like it, but I don’t commute to work, nor do I drive an SUV, so my gas bill tends to stay pretty low. Besides, can you imagine the riots that will ensue if oil is depleted completely? Perhaps it’s a good plan to stave off that eventuality for a few more years, no?

Until you get a doctorate in one of environmental sciences, all you have is an opinion on the subject. And we all know what opinions are like.

Assholes.

I won’t be out tonight due to my immune system taking yet another holiday (read: I’m sick again), but the S.O.P.H.I.E. wristbands I ordered have arrived. They are $2 each and all funds go to Stamp Out Prejudice Hatred and Intolerance Everywhere.

Besides Sophie Lancaster herself, who was beaten to death last summer in the UK just for being a Goth, see the article below for why such a project is necessary here in the good old U.S. of A.

I want my $2.

“If any of us had been found guilty of such a hideous crime, we would have immediate sentencing [and] lose our jobs…..”

Howard, a member of the Gothic Volunteer Alliance, says his organization provides community services such as fundraisers for the SPCA, the Humane Society, and the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. The group takes part in graffiti removal, voter-registration drives, and its next beach cleanup takes place August 3 at South Mission Beach.

Speechless.

I certainly am.

But have you donated?

Dear Producers, Directors, and Others in Power Out There in La-La-Land:

I have heard via various sources, online and off, that the following remakes are “in the works” - that is in one stage of production or another, from simply being considered to being filmed as I write this:

The Shadow
Battle Royale
Starfighter (The Last Starfighter)
The Evil Dead
Knight Rider
Conan The Barbarian
Logan’s Run
Death Wish
The Taking Of Pelham 123
Fahrenheit 451
Friday The 13th
Last House On The Left
Hellraiser
Tron
Clash of the Titans
Akira
The Birds
Frankenweenie
A Nightmare On Elm Street
Westworld
The Warriors
Piranha
Escape From New York
Meatballs
(Howard Stern’s) Porkys
The Lives Of Others
Short Circuit
Straw Dogs
1984
Red Sonja
The Dirty Dozen
Footloose
Dune
The Thing
Near Dark
The Swarm
Fame
The Brazilian Job (The Italian Job)
The Witches

Some of these are classics and, by definition, classics should remain exactly as they are. Their purpose is to serve as examples of how great film can be, not to be reworked or updated into something new. Look no further than the remakes of The Manchurian Candidate, The Omega Man (I Am Legend), and The Stepford Wives for how remakes of classics have gone horribly awry.

Some on the list are classic foreign films. So Mr. and Mrs. America don’t want to watch movies with subtitles? Fuck them. These movies should not be toyed with in any context. Just look at the crap produced out of fine Japanese horror like Ju-On and tell me these won’t completely suck.

Some of them are movies which were out-of-date when they were released - I’m looking at you, The Warriors - while others have always been trash and should be scrapped for all time, never to be seen again by human eyes.

Then there are the sequels:

Saw 5
Scary Movie 5
Jurassic Park 4
War of the Worlds 2: The Next Wave
Ace Ventura 3
Pink Panther 2
Starship Troopers 3: Marauder
Punisher: War Zone
The People Under the Stairs 2
The Thomas Crown Affair 2
The Untouchables: Capone Rising
Ghost Rider 2
Ice Age 3
The Grudge 3
The Descent 2
Silent Hill 2
Super Troopers 2
Transporter 3
Crank 2: High Voltage
Night at the Museum 2
Shrek 5
Jeepers Creepers 3
Toy Story 3
Cars 2
National Treasure 3
Beverly Hills Cop 4
I Am Legend 2
I, Robot 2

I’d like to stab the people who brought back Die Hard, Rocky, and Indiana Jones in the eye with a hot french fry. They are the reason someone out there thinks sequels of Ace Ventura and Beverly Hills Cop are good ideas.

Seriously, if you are making a sequel with a number higher than 3 behind it, kill yourself. You are a hack with no original ideas whatsoever and there is only so much CGI that can save your travesty on celluloid.

Dearest Hollywood, love of my life and bringer of fine entertainment to the world: You can do better than this. Don’t tell me there are no more original ideas, because there have been some really cool, original movies to come out these last few years: Sin City. Little Miss Sunshine. Children of Men. 300. Sweeney Todd. No Country for Old Men. I didn’t particularly care for either Juno or Superbad, but at least they were ORIGINAL.

To fix this, you can:

1) Hit the books. Read the stories which introduce the best new concepts and characters and graphic novels which have the best story arcs, not just the best-sellers and comic book heroes.

2) Watch the movies being produced locally by independent film directors in other states. There are a lot of really decent, semi-homemade movies coming out of Maryland, New Mexico, Florida, Colorado, and other places.

3) Find a (Broadway or not) play that hasn’t been made into a movie yet. Broadway’s been stealing your movies for awhile now, why not return the favor?

4) Mine cancelled TV shows. Not the popular ones, but the less-seen or one season runs. The Book of Daniel and Meadowlands both had good stories, strong characters, and great writing which beg for re-working into movie form. And I think we both know the new X-Files movie is about 10 years too late, don’t we?

Oh, Hollywood, king of entertainment and dreamer of dreams: I’ve only spent hard-earned cash on two movies this year - two! - because most of what you’ve been feeding me is tripe. I like the big screen. I like popcorn. I like going out to see a film. Please, don’t make me stop entirely.

And for the love of whatever deity you believe in, STOP REMAKING HITCHCOCK. What’s next, Citizen Kane?

Don’t answer that.

Sincerely,
Your Friend and Fan,
Diva

P.S. Please note none of this applies to The Dark Knight.

Totally worth the IMAX ticket.

Everyone is born with an expiration date. Some people are fine long after, but others were never any good in the first place.

Music: Delerium will be at the Gothic Theatre on September 21st.

Words: When You Are Engulfed in Flames by David Sedaris.

I needed to temper [dad’s] enthusiasm a bit, and so I announced that I would be majoring in patricide. The Princeton program was very strong back then, the best in the country, but it wasn’t the sort of thing your father could get too worked up about. Or at least, most fathers wouldn’t. Mine was over the moon. “Killed by a Princeton graduate!” he said. “And my own son, no less.”

“And how much more is that going to cost us?” they said.

And I said, “Ummm. Everything.”

Mantra: It is by will alone I set my mind in motion … make a wish.

Delerium, David, Dune.

Yes ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it’s once again time to remind people that this humble blahg - so named because “blog” makes it sound more important than it will ever be - is written by me, for me.

Don’t get me wrong: I’m happy you’re here, dear reader. I love that you’ve taken the time to peruse what it is I have to say, but I am not so enamored with myself that I need the attention. Your presence is flattering, but my ego needs no further feeding. Both my best friends and my worst enemies will agree on that one point for all eternity.

So if you’re new here - and quite a few of you are - and you have not yet read through the entire site, may I suggest you at least read this archived post on my personal blahg philosophy?

Thanks.

Now back to your regularly-scheduled program, already in progress.

Have I said “I love Denver” this week? As if I needed more reason:

Friday, August 8th is the launch of the new Masters and Servants events being held at the beautiful Sugar House on Alameda and Pecos. They will continue on the second Friday of each month.

The new Masters and Servants events will be some of the hottest, most unique parties in Denver. There will be many more performers, feature artists, guest DJ’s, and fun themes as we move forward. There is nothing else quite like this in town!

Denver.
Is.
Awesome.