Be careful out there, kids - it’s amateur night.

Oh, the mundanity!

… older than sin, and his beard could grow no whiter. He wanted to die.

Ho.

I wish I’d run across this Neil Gaiman piece before Xmas Eve.

Jim Norton is wrong on many levels. If you’re not familiar with his brand of comedy, or you are easily offended, don’t bother. Me, I’m pretty wrong myself and have seen him live twice now.

Jim Norton
Gothic Theater
Friday, March 14th
Tickets available here.

We discovered Doug Stanhope by accident just this past year and have forced many friends to sit through his special No Refunds. We call him The Philospher King; you should go to his show to find out why.

Doug Stanhope
Oriental Theater
Friday, May 23rd
Tickets available here.

Doug Stanhope will also be at Mile High Saloon in Colorado Springs on Thursday, May 22nd. I am seriously considering attending both shows.

He’s that good.

Some man I didn’t recognize was performing a song he’d written. Between verses, he mentioned to the people there (at a party?) that he’d written it with me in mind.

I can’t recall the tune, but the chorus of the song was You Are My Salome.

I took it as a compliment.

Then as it was, then again it will be
An’ though the course may change sometimes
Rivers always reach the sea
Blind stars of fortune, each have several rays
On the wings of maybe, down in birds of prey
Kind of makes me feel sometimes, didn’t have to grow
But as the eagle leaves the nest, we’ve got so far to go

I’m never gonna leave you, I never gonna leave
Holdin’ on, ten years gone
Ten years gone, holdin’ on, ten years gone

Interesting how songs from our distant past can come back, their meaning changing and mutating based on expanded life experience.

My eyes are different now, as is my heart. The latter has had a steady series of shunts, tourniquets, and stitches, but it remains and beats harder than ever.

Sometimes I think I survive just to piss off other people. Maybe I remain just to prove to some higher power that I can.

The truth is, if I let go, someone else wins.

“I’m either going to laugh or I am going to cry …. and I will never let the bastards see me cry.”

I am my mother’s daughter.

Did you know how strong I would become?

Would you have believed ______ would be the one with a kid?

Did you understand why I kept moving on?

How could you be so strong and so afraid at the same time?

Did you know how much the music meant to me?

How could you not notice the addiction in your house?

Did you love him?

Were you aware just how much he loved you?

Did I ever tell you what really happened with _________?

Were you the power that kept your brother level-headed?

Did you know a flashlight would make me a lifelong bedtime reader?

Were you aware of how sneaky a kid I was?

Did you know I loved you?

Why didn’t you tell us about him until we were much older?

Did you miss your parents?

Were you there when we let you go?

Did you ever forgive him?

Why didn’t you show up the night of my big solo?

Did you ever get over the loss of _________?

How did you manage all of us on such a limited income?

Did you know I’d eventually forgive him?

What made you decide to come to the show that summer?

Did you know it was time?

Were you proud of us?

Of me?

Did you have any idea how much we’d miss you?

Travis June - 1941-1997

Here’s wishing you and yours big belly laughs this season.

This season has been very strange in one aspect: A slew of old friends with whom I had lost touch have suddenly reconnected.

Not that I’m complaining, it’s just odd to have so many people one hasn’t talked to in many years - one for nearly a decade - come out of the woodwork simultaneously.

Thinking all this was a bit weird, I mentioned the phenomenon to the partner-in-crime. He said two of his ex-girlfriends and three past co-workers have gotten in touch with him just in the past few weeks.

Is it the season? Is it all those sappy commercials on TV right now? Is there a nostalgia in the air that I’m missing? Three of these friends have recently suffered the loss of a parent, so that may be it.

It also occurs to me that most folks getting in touch are at or near my age, which means there is a distinct possibility they are simply starting their mid-life crisis. That means getting back in touch with who they used to be; the easiest way to do that is to reconnect and share memories with people from their past.

Whatever the reason is, I find it all damned interesting. Not only because I wondered myself what happened to them, but because it’s important to remain in touch with my own history.

Those who don’t learn from it …

Toy Soldiers Unite!

Stories culled from many sources, but mostly from Salon.com.

SON OF HUCKABEE

Newsweek recently reported that former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee’s son, David Huckabee, lost his job as a Boy Scout camp counselor in 1998, when he was 17, for killing a stray dog by hanging it from a tree.

Since 1998, David Huckabee has avoided further dog killings, though he was arrested recently for attempting to bring a loaded .40 caliber Glock through airport security.

What are the some of the first signs of a future serial killer? Yes, you are correct: Torturing or killing animals. If it really was suffering, hanging a dog with rope is a LOT less humane than finding a big rock to crush its head and put it out of its misery. Messier, yes, but it doesn’t require … premeditation.

Of course, the attempt to take a gun through airport security provides the distinct possibility that David Huckabee is simply retarded.

RUDY’S JUDY HAS A FEW (PUPPY) SKELETONS IN THE CLOSET

In 1975, Rudy Giuliani’s [current] wife, Judith, shortly after becoming a registered nurse, began working for U.S. Surgical Corp. selling medical staplers to doctors. The sales pitch involved demonstrating the staplers on [live,] anaesthetized dogs.

The dogs were euthanized after the demonstrations.

Let’s face it: We all thought quite differently about dogs in the 70s, before PETA told us all just how wrong we are for treating them like … well … animals. Still, I don’t think I could have put a dog to sleep, used it for a sales pitch, and then really put it to sleep, even back then when such practices were acceptable.

However, I would very much like to go back to the days when dogs were dogs and, while you loved them, they were decidedly NOT members of the family who were required to travel with you throughout your day. Each time I see someone with a dog in a store - or worse, in a coffee shop or restaurant - I resolve not to visit that business again.

That’s not your child. It’s a DOG. You’ll never be arrested for leaving your dog alone at home.

MR. ROMNEY’S VACATION

Mitt Romney’s own family apparently proudly gave this story to the Boston Globe as an example of his cool, calm decision making:

Back in the early 1980’s, Clark Griswald … er … Romney was taking his family on a vacation. It was a long drive and his five young sons took up all the space in the car, so he strapped his Irish Setter’s crate to the roof with the dog inside. He told his kids - one of whom was about three at the time - that he had planned all the stops they’d be making and there wouldn’t be any additional bathroom stops.

It was also probably a violation of Massachusetts animal cruelty laws, according to Time Magazine. Further, “It is common sense that any dog who’s under extreme stress might show that stress by losing control of his bowels,” said Ingrid Newkirk, president of PETA. “That alone should have been sufficient indication the dog was, basically, tortured.”

Even in the days when dogs were dogs, one did NOT strap the animal’s crate to the roof of the car for travel. That alone should be a clue that Romney had no real empathy for the family pet. Then he simply hosed the dog down and continued on without comforting or making the dog more comfortable? That’s “emotion-free crisis management”?

No, that’s being an unsympathetic asshole. Further proof is his telling a three year old there won’t be any extra bathroom stops. Anyone who has traveled with a kid that age can tell you there WILL be stops whether YOU like it or not.

I don’t know about anyone else, but between this story and his recent speech on religion, I’d be terrified to have this guy in the White House. He’s an automaton.

Are there cyborgs in Canada?