Please add the following words to this list:

library
lie-brer-ee, not lie-berry

escape
ess-kape, not ex-kape

ask
assk, not ax

No comment here.

He’s in Basel, Switzerland on business, has a hardcore sinus infection, and this event is in full swing.

Wish I were there.

AGAIN.

It only snows on the days I need to leave the house on errands.

Grumblegrumblegrumble.

I was raised in a household full of kids. I am the oldest of four myself and my parents were the neighborhood’s adoptive parents. Pregnant and your dad beat you up? We’ve got an extra couch! Came out of the closet and got kicked out? Stay with us! Even my own best friend referred to my mother as her second mom.

I’ve never gotten used to a quiet, empty house. It makes me nervous. So when I’m alone, I play music or leave the TV on some news channel in the background. I hardly pay attention to it at all; it’s simply there to keep me company. I imagine in a past life I was a labrador who chewed up shoes unless the radio was on.

In the gallery, where there is no TV, I tune into NPR or Sanctuary Radio. Hard to go wrong with either of those, though I do find NPR’s slant to the left grating sometimes. However, the NPR shows are, at most, a couple of hours long, which is much shorter than the radio shows of the ultra-conservative pundits. I do listen to Limbaugh, but I find I can only take him about twice a week these days.

I’m not anti-left or anti-right, I’m anti-stupidity.

Anyway, back to my point: Since Anna Nicole Smith died, I can’t watch the news channels. They keep interrupting real news - there’s a volcano acting up in Sicily, did you know that? - with more Anna trial crap. I want to know where we stand with Iran, there’s Anna’s mother and her lawyer husband and everyone else talking to a judge.

Worse, it’s on every news channel. Used to be I could escape to CNN, but no more. They are just as into Anna as everyone else.

So here I sit with some horrible, Lifetime-esque movie on in the background instead. I like noise, but Anna Nicole noise is pointless, useless, and an invasion of the poor dead woman’s privacy. Let her go, already.

I voted with my remote. Please, please, for the love of whomever you worship, PLEASE do the same.

It won’t stop until we make it stop.

Hey - thanks so much. I’ve only been a great actor for 50 plus years. Everyone I wanted to thank died in 1994. So what I’d like to do is at least plead for a free teeth-whitening. If any dentist accepts SAG, I would really appreciate a little assist, so I can maybe play an Alan Arkin-type grandfather in a VW van next year and accept an Oscar.

Commentary by David Spade and liberally stolen from the Showbiz Show website.

From last week’s episode of Real Time with Bill Maher:

New Rule: You can’t call yourself a diva unless you’re plus-size and extremely talented. Aretha Franklin is a diva. Jennifer Hudson a diva-in-training. You, on the other hand, are a 17 year old white girl from Orange County whose daddy gave you a 280Z for your birthday. If you act like a diva but can’t sing, you’re what opera lovers just call a bitch.

I studied opera in college.

The Denver Metro Convention & Visitor’s Bureau (denver.org) has outdone itself for this year’s Denver Restaurant Week.

For those who don’t know about the event, each year participating restaurants offer multi-course, specialty meals for just $52.80 for two people (or $26.40 for one). Some of Denver’s most expensive restaurants are on this year’s list, so it’s a great opportunity to try them out and not have to take out a home equity loan to do so.

So it stands to reason that my favorite dinner partner is out of town until after the event is over later this week. *sigh*

Still, I’m planning to book a reservation just for me at one of these participating restaurants:

1876 (Grand Hyatt)
alto
Dixon’s Downtown Grill
McCormick’s Fish House & Bar
Mici
Pearl St. Grill
Seven 30 South
Via Modern Trattoria

I chose these particular places according to my own criteria: 1) I’ve never eaten there before, 2) I like the options I see on their event menu, 3) they’re located in trendy downtown or uptown areas, 4) they offer alcoholic libation with the meal, and 5) it’s not one of the places my favorite dinner partner and I have considered but haven’t yet tried (we keep meaning to get to Aix, LOLA, Rioja, and Steuben’s).

Regardless of Denver Restaurant Week, if you’ve never gone out for a nice, expensive dinner alone, I highly recommend it, especially for women. It took me until my mid-30’s to realize how much I enjoy it and I do it everytime my love is out-of-town.

I go to movies alone, too.

The ad on the back of one of the free magazines I picked up today is for Macy’s. The slogan on same is - I kid you not - “unique like you.”

The Macy’s marketing department may not understand my amusement over that statement but, more than that, I wish someone would tell the universe to quit handing me the same lesson. I got it already.

Not all of us hairless monkeys are total imbeciles.

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years.

No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered, however, as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn’t always fair, and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies, such as don’t spend more than you can earn, and reliable life strategies, believing to the end that adults - not children - are in charge. His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Incidents such as a 6 year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch, and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. His health declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sunscreen or a band-aid to a student, but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and planned to have a medical procedure.

Common Sense lost the will to live as churches became businesses and criminals received better treatment than their victims, specifically when it was decided homeowners couldn’t defend themselves from a burglar in their own home. He was moved to intensive care when he learned the burglars in such cases were allowed to sue homeowners for assault.

Common Sense finally loosed his mortal coil when a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot and, when she spilled it in her lap, was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by his three stepbrothers, I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I’m A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, please pass this on so we may all mourn his passing.

If you know who wrote this, please tell me so I may give credit and a link.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

That trite little phrase has been fucking with me today. I know why and I hate the answer.

It’s always weird when a friend dies - and I wasn’t particularly close to Stacey these last few years or so - but it seems her passing has lit a fire under my ass. Suddenly I find myself asking those mid-life questions. You know, the ones everyone asks. They’re so cliche and, when other people have expressed their own “What am I doing with my life?” queries to me, I’ve gotten annoyed with them for asking such standard, mid-life crisis questions.

Now I’m asking myself the same damn questions and finding it’s even more annoying when the inquirer is me. Mainly because it turns out I really am unique … just like everyone else.

So I have effectively tossed my own words into my own face and bruised my own ego. If I really paid better attention to my own philosophies, this wouldn’t sting so much. On the bright side, I can’t think of a better Zen Archer to shoot the arrow my way.

And no, I will not be posting answers even if I come to any conclusions. Go find your own.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life.