If you think your family is so incredibly difficult that the holidays are a painful torture for you and everyone to whom you are related, please read Christmas with the Wilsons, by Cintra Wilson, over on Salon (watch the brief ad at the top for access to the site). Here is but a brief taste:

Last year Dad got the last laugh by filling his flask with a homemade habanero vodka scorching enough to make my mother involuntarily weep throughout the service.

I feel a lot better about my own family now. How about you?

I was not a sickly kid overall, but ever since I was 10 years old, I’ve gotten a cold or caught a flu bug during the holidays. The December I was 12, there was the “flu of both ends,” as my mother called it, which I will not detail here. For my 15th Christmas, I had walking pneumonia. At 23, I had strep and tonsilitis at the same time and ended up at the hospital on Christmas Eve. For the 1999-2000 year, I got sick on Christmas Eve and had a 102 degree fever on New Year’s Eve.

It has become such a tradition for me that I’ve learned to spend the first week of December ensuring I have plenty of tissue, Nyquil, and Sudafed on hand to deal with it.

This is the first year I made it through Christmas Day without getting sick. Barely. Around 4:00am on the 26th, I woke up coughing with a dry, scratchy throat. I was feeling pretty peak-ed yesterday and today - tah-dah! - is the full-blown sick day.

I was kind of hoping I could skip it this year, but noooooooo. Of course, part of me wonders if it isn’t a self-fulfilling prophecy at this point. Meh. I think it’s just that I refuse to stay home, so I end up exposed to whatever bugs are out there during the season. Maybe I’ll stay home next year and see what happens.

The only saving grace of this annual ritual is that I’ve been taking good care of myself for several years now - getting daily exercise, taking vitamins, cutting back on fast food and sodas and such - so now, instead of spending 7-10 days with the creepy crud, I spend 3-4 days with it. The surprising part this year is that it’s been pretty mild; I felt okay enough to help move our new washer and dryer (super capacity!) into the garage yesterday. I can breathe this morning, too.

I’m still taking it easy today, as we are headed to Las Vegas on Friday, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to pack up all my cold medicines for the trip. Just to be sure I relax like I need to, I sent the man in my life (who has the day off) skiing with our houseguests (his niece and her boyfriend, from Dallas). I have the house to myself, I am armed with a Waterpik nasal irrigator, Lysine, Advil, tons of vitamin C, Puffs with aloe, and cable television.

It’s going to be a great New Year’s.

Tonight is just another Saturday night for those of us not on the Christmas bandwagon. Except I can’t go to a movie, because the last ones played 5pm this afternoon.

And I can’t order takeout, since all my favorite restaurants closed early.

And I can’t make a run to the closest store to shop or pick up any last minute sundries. Oh, sure, I could drive a ways to find a store that is open, but that’s a waste of time and gas.

So I sit here at the computer, finalizing eBay purchases, because no one else is watching auctions and the bargains are astounding. I have a glass of cheer (Cartlidge & Brown Chardonnay - yummy!) on my left and my love, on his own computer, watching his own auctions, at my right.

We will be spending time later communing with our own higher power, a la the midnight Christmas mass. We have plans to drive up to the local ski areas tomorrow, while everyone else is busy with Christmas Day, so he can ski and I can wander, shop, or spa at my leisure.

So I guess, even with all the irritations and inconveniences, all really is well with the world.

Even if I can’t order a pizza.

Check out the DEATH METAL PUBLICIST BIRTH ANNOUNCEMENT by Joe Chellino.

Oh yes, McSweeney’s continues to rock my world.

Heath Ledger is a lead in Brokeback Mountain and plays the world’s greatest lover himself in Casanova, both now playing in theaters.

That was either impeccable studio timing, or his handlers were so worried about him being branded gay by appearing in the former that they forced the release of the latter at nearly the same time.

Side note: I’ll bet the porn title for Brokeback Mountain will be Bareback Mountain. Just you watch.

I found two ways to get over the cheer:

First, I went to the mall. Yes, THE MALL. Evidently, this is the place to go if the happiness and joy this time of year gets to you. The sheer obliviousness, distraction, and utterly rude behavior of everyone in the place helped me to regain my usual (lack of) faith in humanity.

Second, there’s Ugly Christmas Lights to see. Click the link and bear witness to the worst displays of seasonal lights ever seen. My personal favorite is Where’s Waldo.

Aaahhhh … that’s better.

I’ve been depressed and angry the last few days and I finally figured out why: It’s the holidays.

See, everyone else is so full of good cheer and happiness it’s making me ill. Literally. I get an upset stomach whenever I’m faced with someone obviously enjoying the season. And that crappy music! Sleigh bells ring, are you listenin’ …… it just doesn’t stop, no matter where you go.

Looks like we’re making last-minute reservations to get out of town this weekend. Not a minute sooner, either. I don’t know how much more good cheer I can take.

“The Irish drink a lot.” Yeah, it’s unfair and it’s a generality, but I was reminded again today why it’s a stereotype:

Cast and crew from the show “Rescue Me” ended their Christmas party with a game of Truth or Dare that included Denis Leary, in the buff, sliding down a banister; what are described as “naked Irish jigs”; and lots of flashing out the window of the Manhattan bar. One witness told Page Six, “They had the most extraordinary a–es I’d ever seen.

Remember, Denis Leary has never promised us he wouldn’t drink and smoke himself to death.

5 Major Needs of Women:
Affection, Conversation, Honesty and Openness, Financial Support, Family Commitment

5 Major Needs of Men:
Sexual Fulfillment, Recreational Companionship, Physical Attractiveness, Admiration, Domestic Support

This is brought to you by President Bush and the $167 million dollars being thrown at nationwide, abstinence-only programs.

I went off a few posts back about how women need to grow up and realize they don’t need a partner to survive. Is it any wonder with crap like this being taught in the public schools?

How about revising it thusly ……

The 10 Major Needs of Human Beings:
Affection, Sexual Fulfillment, Conversation, Recreational Companionship, Honesty and Openness, Physical Attractiveness, Financial Support, Admiration, Family Commitment, and Domestic Support

See the full Harper’s post, titled Blue Balls for the Red States, here.

The gallery is nearly cleaned out. Today, I mop all 900 square feet of it. With luck and a little more work with my new mat cutter, we will be open in January. Squeeee!

Regular movie nights will begin sooner than that, as the big screen is already set up. If you are in Denver and want to watch eclectic movies and television shows with us, contact me. The folks who get in touch first will be the ones who get to vote on what we watch.