I received an e-mail this morning, from a friend I rather like and respect, telling me President Obama is a closet Muslim.

Not only that, it goes on to say he prayed with other Muslims at a gathering in Washington, DC. They even wrapped in the recent hullabaloo over the National Day of Prayer, saying it was canceled (it wasn’t, but more on that in a moment).

So I went over to Snopes.com - the official, non-partisan place to go for truth about hoaxes, urban legends, and other nonsense - and just one quick keyword search later, I found the entire e-mail is based on misinformation.

Scratch that - it’s a giant stack of lies wrapped in an American flag.

I wish I could say I were surprised.

For those who have seen this e-mail and don’t know any better (not that you’ll listen, but I have to try): The photo in it which shows President Obama taking off his shoes? That was NOT so he could pray toward Mecca, as the e-mail so earnestly insists, but so he could enter a mosque on a state visit to Istanbul, Turkey.

Where everyone, no matter how high and mighty, has to remove their shoes.

Just in case you were under the impression he is the only recent President to “make nice” with Muslims:

And, if you’re inclined to believe the hype fed to you by FOX News, here’s something you won’t believe at all: The National Day of Prayer has NOT been canceled. Mr. Obama simply removed the ecumenical service from the White House, a move which makes the rest of us non-Christians - not just atheists like me, but Hindus, Native Americans, Shintoists, Buddhists, Jews, Zoroastrians, and yes, Muslims - much more comfortable with our leadership.

Every time George W. told us God was on our side, I cringed, and I applauded when President Obama mentioned unbelievers in his inaugural address. The e-mail I got complains we’re losing our freedom of speech, but when it comes to freedom of religion, well that means just one, really.

But still, it’s not the lies, or their wildfire-like spread that gets me. It’s the very idea that, if Obama were a Muslim - or anything BUT a Christian - that he could not lead the country in a moral manner. Only Christians, it seems, are pure enough in spirit to lead us, and choosing a person of any other faith is tantamount to voting for the Devil himself.

Are Christians the only people with morals? Can anyone have integrity and work toward the betterment of our world and humanity without knowing or believing in God? Are there not people of other faiths, cultures, and upbringing who are productive, ethical, functional citizens of the United States?

Because honestly, if non-Christians really lacked these traits, the believers in this country would have something to worry about. We don’t outnumber ya’ll, but if each of us were 1/2 as evil as you think, you’d be in serious trouble.

And what of the (I assume) good Christian(s) who wrote this e-mail in the first place? What kind of morals do they have?

The zombies, they’re already among us.

See, there’s something in our water supply, something unnatural, that’s making rainbows. I mean, come on … they can’t just appear in just about any kind of water, right?

It’s not like the whole phenomenon was discovered and explained about 1,000 years ago.

I feel like a god damned genius now.

Hope you do, too.

Well, at least your personal information. But this, this goes a bit overboard, methinks.

Venture capital is what Facebook founders needed to get the site started. Wherever that came from, it was invested and will eventually be paid back to the investors. If the site is monetarily successful, the original investment will be paid back in full and perhaps with dividends. This is called “doing business.”

Regardless of the money to start it, Facebook, like all other Internet companies, wants to make money with your information. The government, whatever their interest in getting your information, will have to pay for it (unless there’s a subpoena involved). This is also called “doing business.”

If they pay and gather up a Big Brother-like database, start to worry. Until then, this is just another loony conspiracy theory.

Show me the money!

Stolen completely from an anonymous online post.

This morning I was awoken by an alarm clock powered by electricity generated by the public power monopoly regulated by the U.S. Department of Energy. Then I took a shower in the clean water provided by the municipal water utility. After that, I turned on the TV to one of the FCC-regulated channels to see what the National Weather Service of the National Oceanographic and Atmospheric Administration determined the weather was going to be like, using their satellites designed, built, and launched by the National Aeronautics and Space Administration. I watched this while eating my breakfast of U.S. Agriculture Department-inspected food and taking the drugs which have been determined as safe by the Food and Drug Administration.

I then log onto the Internet, which was developed by the Defense Advanced Research Projects Administration and post on FreeRepublic.com and FOX News forums about how SOCIALISM in medicine is BAD because the government can’t do anything right.

Anarchists in America crack me up, too.

But it’s worth a look at How to Make Your Own Conspiracy Theory.

On a related note, I do wish the Obama birthers would get the hell over it already.

He’s not going anywhere.

Anyone who has either run an all-volunteer organization or worked for a non-profit will tell you that the Illuminati - the worldwide conspiracy - doesn’t exist.

People who have done these jobs know that you can’t get more than three people to agree on any course of action, let alone how to run the global banking system, start/end wars, or other puppetry the Illuminati are regularly accused of doing. Human nature doesn’t allow for it. Someone, somewhere always gets the idea they can do the job better or more efficiently, or they get a hankering for more power, or they leak information or evidence … somehow it all comes crashing down eventually.

That being said, I brush off anyone who accuses the Illuminati of the big stuff, because it’s just not feasible. However, I simply adore the people who accuse the Illuminati of the most mundane, silly actions. For instance, that of the title of this very post.

I don’t like Lady Gaga’s music much, but Illuminati puppet? Wow. I’m going to go out on a limb myself here, but could it just be - and this is completely hypothetical - that she incorporates some of the symbols she’s seen into her persona and style? If not, you’re giving the woman an awful lot of credit. I mean she doesn’t strike me as the brightest bulb and her music certainly isn’t intelligent, either.

Besides, there are those that claim Lady Gaga stole her style from Irish pop star Roisin Murphy. So maybe Roisin Murphy is the real marionette?

Or you know, you could be … How can I put this? … Wrong.

If the Illuminati existed, I wouldn’t be talking to you. I’d be out trying to join them. (Robert Anton Wilson)

… that actually happened. They’re all here.

I’m especially fond of the one involving Prescott Bush.

The apple doesn’t fall far, does it?

It’s been awhile since I posted a conspiracy theory, though they are out always out there for the finding.

The biggest and most rampant at the moment, of course, are all about 9/11. Don’t get me started on that one. It doesn’t matter how many times they’re shot down with facts and science, they still come roaring back to bother people who don’t agree with them.

Besides, our government can’t manage to get the most mundane things done without fucking up. So to expect they’d have the expertise and the perfect timing to plan and implement an attack on our own soil? Ludicrous. It also requires a trust network much too large to expect that it wouldn’t have leaked to the press before, during, or after the attacks. There’s a new leak about the administration just about every day as it is.

But late last night I ran across a genuine gem on Stanley Kubrick’s last film, Eyes Wide Shut. It’s quickly becoming one of my favorite conspiracy theories; not because it makes any real sense or has a basis in science, but because the person who wrote it believes, in all sincerity, that the Illuminati exists. And I quote:

This is NOT to say, however, that the Illuminati are only in our collective imagination, as they are a very real group that has been around since before the time of Jesus Christ.

Riiiight. So that begs the question, was Jesus Christ an Illuminati? Or did he spend his time preaching to the poor, unwashed masses as a way of fighting Illuminati influence? Discuss. Or don’t, I don’t particularly care either way.

Still, I am fascinated at what can be deconstructed from a movie which, to me and a lot of other intelligent, well-educated people, was simply a story about sex, marriage, and infidelity. Granted, Kubrick did use a fair amount of symbolism in his films, but I don’t think his message in this one was about a group who controls the world, nor that the grand conspiracy starts with the title of the film:

The phrase Eyes Wide Shut relates to one of the methods the Illuminati employ to hide their crimes and nefarious activities. Eyes Wide Shut describes the behavior they expect from another member who might witness their performance of illegal acts. For instance, if one is called to testify against another, all that needs to be said is the cryptic “Your eyes are wide shut,” and the person hearing this immediately knows what is expected of them. Just as with the freemasonic sign of distress, the EWS phrase is used to insulate one from suffering the penalty of law.

Maybe you should see the movie, read the entire treatise on it here, and come to your own conclusions.

As for me, if there were an Illuminati running the world, I wouldn’t spend my time working and writing. I’d spend it seeking them out to join them.

I know a winner when I see one.

Is this another daft conspiracy theory? If it is, it’s a doozie.

Homework: The 3-part BBC Production The Power of Nightmares. It’s about the rise of neo-conservatism both in the US and in the Middle East, both of which happened at practically the same time in our recent history. Scary stuff, that.

By the way, if you have one of the new passports with the RFID chip in it, smack it with a hammer. A clean break that looks accidental disables the chip without losing use of your passport, much like running a magnet over the strip on your driver’s license.

Thank you, WIRED magazine.

Once upon a time, there was a man by the name of Cyrus Teed.

Mr. Teed was a hollow-earther who started a cult and commune based on his beliefs back in the 1870s. The group reached its peak in 1891.

What most people don’t know is that Mr. Teed was related to Joseph Smith.

Yes, that Joseph Smith … the founder of Mormonism.

Mr. Teed, after his “awakening,” changed his name to Koresh. Like in David Koresh.

Yeah, that guy.

I know someone, somewhere will read that and itch to start writing a novel on it.

But remember: Fiction has to be plausible to work.