I have three siblings, all younger than me. We are each almost exactly three years apart in age, so the youngest of us – for the purposes of the following exchange, I call him Brother 2 – is 39 this year where I am 48.
I received a text from my sister, the second in the line of us, last night. Below is the conversation that ensued. I don’t promise you’ll find it as hilarious as we do; I just wanted to save it here for posterity.
Perhaps to prep you, here is my first Tweet of the evening:
And my second:
I have joined up text messages where it made the story more easily read and made [editorial] notes where necessary.
Sister: I’m in the ER @[local hospital]. Had a lil accident@work. Head got split open thanks to a dolly & a box of paper. Ya, long story… looks like I need stitches. Maybe a CT scan cause that shit hit me hard! Will call u when I can.
Me: Well, you wouldn’t be one of us if you didn’t occasionally trip up & need stitches. *LOL* Keep me posted…
Brother 2: Rest up and take care of yourself first… I’ll take the usual “no news is good news” [family name] approach. I’m sure the docs will say this, but if you develop ANY sort of headache/nausea from here on, get yourself back to the ER.
Sister: Will do everyone. Hate waiting in the waiting area. I’m 5th in line so hopefully I get in back there & get my stitches & ct scan soon. I’m cautious when it comes to head injuries. No Sonny Bono shit for me.
Brother 2: I was thinking Natasha Richardson myself, but same deal.
Sister: That’s Liam Neilsens (sic) wife right? Was thinking about her too, just couldn’t think of her name. Bono died at the scene I think. She left & thought she was fine. Fuck that… I will make sure I’m good b4 I leave this place. No screwing around with blows to the head. That dolly hit me so hard & it happened so fast. Then came the blood… there was so much blood.
Me: So… buy yourself a ski helmet? They’re on sale here. *giggle* And head injuries bleed a LOT. That’s why Mom panicked so bad when Brother 2 fell onto the coffee table and split his.
Sister: I kept myself as calm as I could while 911 was on their way. Got myself to stop shaking… Just kept calm thoughts & didn’t look at all the blood running down my face.
Brother 2: I remember when Brother 1 stabbed me in the head and cut my scalp… that shit bled so heavily…
Me: Wait… Brother 1 stabbed you in the head?!
Brother 2: He was slicing something on the counter and I bent down to get something out of the dishwasher just as he lost control of the knife, which glanced my skull. Always cut toward yourselves, kids! *snerk*
Sister: I remember. Brother 2 bled a lot… twice. I look like a mummy. I’ll take a selfie. Husband’s on his way back to be my advocate & push the staff to get me in back. When I stand I get woosie (sic) so… Told em no neck pain, but now my neck is hurting. Think I’ll mention that.
Me: I’ve never heard that story… and cut away from yourself indeed.
Sister: Haaa! I’m not too concerned w/laceration… more w/the blow. Think metal 2 wheel dolly popping fwd when 50#’s of paper dropped onto it. Ya.. like a metal pipe to the head. I still can’t believe it happened.
Brother 2: Wow. Congrats on the concussion, I guess. Have Husband kick some ass for you… how the hell are people getting priority over head trauma?
Me: I think Husband will have the staff there in line shortly. Sometimes having an asshole around comes in handy (yeah, I said it). And woozie is def concussion territory, be careful there.
Sister: Priority 123=Heart attack/strokes/severe car accidents. I was brought in by ambulance (no lites/sirens again damnit! [allusion to a previous emergency room visit]) They assessed me in back… I’m about to go tell them my pain levels at a solid 9 now. Brother 1’s not on this thread… I had text message going on with him b4 this happened. Tempted to fwd some of it to him. Especially the cutting Brother 2’s skull part.
(A moment passes, then)
Ya… I’m not feeling good right now. Afraid to stand up tho. Husband should be back soon. And he’d take [being called an asshole] as a compliment. [This] is a Catholic hospital. So u know what the waiting rms full of, right?
Me: Quit concentrating on your phone, prob making your head hurt.
Brother 2: Priests with their dicks stuck in choir boys?
Me: Guaranteed if you stand up and pass out you’ll get priority… LOL Brother 2
Sister: One word: Bored
Me: Pope says that’s only 2% of the clergy – so mathematically there would only be one in a full emergency room. At a Catholic hosp, anyway. Less at Cedars-Sainai (sic). I’m sick, by the way. Quarterly strep. Seeing a specialist bec 4x/year is a bit much.
Sister: Indeed! Thanks for the laughs. That sucks… Ya, too often. Let me know what happens.
Sister, this time with photo of head bandage: How’s this? Please don’t post on “Hot or Not” Paramedic did this.
Brother 2: ALLAH HU AKBAR! LOL
Me: It’s like the old-timey cartoon toothache wraps. Also note it looks a lot like a ski helmet… Just cracked my man up with Brother 2’s comment.
Sister: Might wanna pick [me up] a helmet. [Daugther’s] with me now. Asked if that was like Achmed the Dead Terrorist.
(A few moments then)
Sister: Praise Allah… I’m finally in back, waiting on ER doc o’the night.
Me: Yep, that kid is def one of us. Tell her SILENCE I KILL YOU. My man says he’ll be disappointed if you don’t say WHAT’S UP DOC (he immed thought of Bugs Bunny, too)
Sister: I will so do that! Thanks (my man)… it does look like a [circa] 1900’s toothache patient don’t it?
Me: I need to shower (just now feeling up to it, think laugher has something to do with it), but keep texting. Want to know what the doctor says.
(Finally my other brother joins in the conversation … and all the exclamation points are verbatim)
Brother 1: OMG you look like Joan Crawford in mommy dearest!!!!! Looks like her sleep guard apparel!!!!
Me: HAHAHAHA NO WIRE HANGERS
(Is this where I mention Brother 1 is gay?)
Sister: Love it! Just wanna get the f outta here now… come on Doc. Lets move this along. This happened at 3pm. Was in the ER before 4… I’m hungry & cold… My wound is still bleeding & hair’s matted down…
Brother 1: I knew you’d know where to find the doctors and the drugs!!
Brother 1 sends pics of his partner’s birthday dinner, then: Oh ya sorry hope you feel better soon sis… Love ya now beat it… (Txt later cya)
Sister: Happy birthday Partner! Hope you’re having a wonderful birthday my dear
(This speaks to my family: my sister is seeping blood out of her head in an emergency room and still sends well wishes to a family member. Jeebus, we are a polite bunch. Then, quite awhile later)
Me: Doc say anything important?
Sister: That I did a very good job! Gash is approx 2-1/2” long, through to the skull… took 4 staples to close it. Gonna take a pic
Brother 2: Hopefully they didn’t go too deep and now you can’t do simple math. Quick, what’s 6 X 7?
Me: Holy crap, OUCH! Well, Mom always said if you’re gonna screw up, do it big.
Brother 1: OMG!!!! LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: What day is it and who’s the President? How many fingers am I holding up?
Sister: I’m Batman…
Brother 1: Omfg!!!!
Brother 1 (again): Sis, Sis???
Me: Man & I both are laughing our asses off here, but srsly, glad you’re ok.
Brother 1: LOGAO [yeah, I don’t get this one either]
Me: (from my man) two words: worker’s comp
Brother 1: Laughing our goddamn asses off! Sorry Sister love you but how in the fuck did you manage to tear your head open in the way you did??!!! I mean damn girl!
Brother 1 (again): Ooopp good one Sister 1 [that would be me]!
Brother 2: Word! Get some of that Gubment money!
Me: Don’t go directly back to work tomorrow. And avoid MRI machines and magnets.
Brother 1: Holy crap! Milk it, milk iiiiiiiittt!
Me: My man says to go to a piercing studio and see what they’d charge for head staples. Someone will see yours & think it’s intentional.
Brother 1: We are glad you’re okay, (remains to be seen). Hope I see you and the Niece out here for some r&r soon. Take care and hope it doesn’t hurt too bad.
Sister: I could start a new fad
Brother 1: Sister 1 you’re fuckin sick!!! Love it!!!!
Sister: I’m outside waiting for Emily* to pick me up I got out of there before they tried to collect their $100 copay. I’ll explain how the accident happened later my cell phone battery is super low
(*This is where my sister’s phone corrected her husband’s name to Emily. We don’t know why, but it was hilarious.)
Me: That [one] was [from] my man, but I laughed, so we’re both going to hell.
Brother 1: It hurts! Laughing way too hard here!!!!
Sister (who was now on massive drugs and just noticed the auto-correct): Who the fuck is Emily????? Did anyone else catch that or was it just me?
Brother 1: Ya who is she? It’s just you….. NOT
Sister: Jesus… fucking voice text! My new tattoo/staple artist… Emily
Brother 1: Sister, they give you some black pills or dark orange?
Me: Sister can taste colors now.
Brother 1: Seriously?? (Sister 1). Ha!
Sister: I can taste the whole mother fucking rainbow right now
Me: You know us. We laugh at funerals. And head wounds.
Brother 1: Oooo skittles, I like those.
Brother 1 (again): Um, ya… We are all going to hell you know! I mean Brother 2 told me that when he caught me smoking weed years ago!
Brother 1 (again): Sorry Sister. Sleep well, and heal quick.
Me: Ok, your battery is low, I’ve got a cold, & my man’s got a 6am flight, but call if you need anything. Really. *hug*
Brother 1: Love ya. I’m out. I’ll fall tomorrow.
Brother 1 (again): *CALL
Me: And tell your daughter she can’t have head staples until she’s 21.
Brother 1: DAMIT GET WELL ALL!!!! Cya.
Brother 1: Ouch! Omfg!!!! Love ya. I’m out. I’ll fall tomorrow. [He didn’t catch the typo the second time.]
Sister: Just for the record and shits and giggles later, I am saving this entire thread. Thank you all and I will talk to you all soon
Me: So am I.
Brother 1: Okay! Sweet! Just for the record Sister 1 was the most brutal, well Brother 2 had some great comments, Brother 1 not so much!
(quite a bit later)
Sister sends first photo of the staples: Ok… here ya go. Husband says it looks more like 2” to him. Right on the top of my head… couldn’t have done better if I tried.
Brother 1: Partner says use a ball peen hammer next time! Nice part though. Damn, you did a doosey (sic) there! Ouch. How are you feeling?
Sister (another, better photo): This ones better… Tired & got a headache. Other than that, peachy! Gonna lay down. Love to all…
Me: Yikes… and wrong direction for the mohawk I pictured in my head.
Brother 1: OMG! Brother 2’s [cut to the head] was better! No I’m sorry that has to hurt. Damn! Partner: what were you doing under the box to begin with?
Brother 2: Dayum… yeah, I think you earned yourself some vicodin-fueled sleep. Take it easy there, lumpy. I kid because I care.
Me: What Brother 2 said. The caring part.
Brother 1: OMFG Brother 2! Partner: “you cannot fit your skull in the paper tray of the copy machine!”
Me: Whew! Thank your Partner for me, cuz that was totally on my calendar for tomorrow.
Brother 1: Partner: “no selfies using the copy machine!” Dude that’s not cool, we have cell phones for that now! Partner: “which part, stuffing her head in paper tray, or using copy machine for a selfie?” Not cool dudes.
Sister: I’ll explain exactly what happened after I pop my vicodins… maybe tomorrow. Emily’s calling me.
Me: Really, g’night. 4am will be here before I know…… zzzzzzz
Brother 1: Lmfuckingao
Me: Emily again?
Brother 1: I love you Sister…
Sister: Was gonna call [Aunt] today & wish her a happy hatch day right before it happened. It’s her fault.
Brother 2: Love you all, but the phone is going on mute. Driving to Seattle tomorrow.
Brother 1: At least my Partner took vacation or I’d be up at crack of dawn driving his ass to LAX/ONT! Good night. Love ya Sister!
Sister: When I did a voice text earlier you guys, I was trying to say Husband is picking me up but the voice text said Emily
Brother 2: G’night John Boy…
Brother 1: Dude go to sleep! And my Partner says “use the legal size tray next time, it’s larger!”
Me: Figured, because I can’t picture you with an Emily. Maybe a Sue or a Terry…
Sister: Night all….
Brother 1: Gud night.
For the record, she’s fine. Husband woke her up every two hours as prescribed for potential concussion. She said today the top of her head felt like it was on fire and she had a massive headache, but all is well.
Good thing. I don’t know what I’d do without any of those jerks.
Or 21st century text technology.